I guess all of us have pet peeves, don't we? Things that may be pretty ordinary and natural to others but which are outright annoying to us? For some it may be certain mannerisms that annoy them (our English teacher in school - I'd briefly mentioned him in one of my previous blogs, we used to call him Mr. Thunder - used to knuckle-rap anyone who didn't write their full name, class, division & roll number on the inside cover of the notebook, as well as the first & last pages - for some reason, it used to anger him a lot if he didn't see our names both on the front and last pages) For others it may be the way certain words are pronounced (trust me, I've seen specimens). And for some others it may be just about anything else - the way a person dresses, the way another one may be sitting, the way one holds spoons and God knows what not.

Am I a saint who is above all of world's peeves? Nope, though I 'd like to believe that I don't lose my temper much (admit having one though), there are certain things that really get my goat. Such as...

Stages of digestion
No that's probably the only thing that's left to be seen of your food now. I get to see everything else when you chew with your mouth open. I see the gaps between your teeth, I see your cavities, I see the tartar on your lower teeth, I see specks of food that are stuck in your upper teeth, and I even see your tongue as it rolls over food in little dollops down your throat. Oh goody, I hear the smack-smack-smacking noise that you make too. Delicious food, isn't it? Now would you please chew with your mouth shut? I am sitting at the same table too.

Lord of the Rings
Or rather, Lord of the Ringtones. Okay, you have a new phone? Great. Oh it has got all these cool ringtones? Okay, I hear Attraction, I hear Aura Lee, I hear the Nokia Tone, I hear Chopin, I hear Bloom. No I don't know the name of that one you played just now. Or the one after that. Okay, let's count them instead. One, two, three, four... eleven.. fifteen... Oh you've also got a Himesh Reshamiya (spelt it correct? don't think so) ringtone on your phone? Great! Go try it, play it ringtone after ringtone, play it all you want. But would you mind NOT playing it in public places when man's walking around? Or in trains or buses when man's trying to shut off for a while? Or if at all you like the sound of your new phone so much, mind playing it with the volume turned a bit lower? Oh no, perhaps that disturbs the feel of the woofer ringtone.

Osho, you are absolutely right.
Yup, I really mean it. You got it absolutely right. F*** is indeed one of the most beautiful words in the English language that just by its tone expresses pain, pleasure, hate and love. Yep, it can be used as a transitive verb, an intransitive verb, an adjective, a noun and God knows what else. But please, it sounds so downright disgusting when used as a punctuation.

cn u pls stp doin dis? i don undrstnd hlf d time wat ur tryng 2 say
y do u do dis? n i really mean Y? 2 mch trbl typng out whol wrds? evr  thght hw thngs mite luk 4m d othr manz side? Please please please, I beg of you, call me outdated, call me old school, call me a dinosaur fit for the dark ages but I just can't seem to be understand the sms style of communication. One of my friends once messaged me "dd u gt ur invt? v r prtng @ clba. cm sn". I'm sorry, what was that again? (That message actually went "Did you get your invite? We are partying at Colaba. Come soon"). See what I mean?

Stop feeling me up, you homo!
This happens in the trains and buses of Mumbai. Since I don't have to travel much in them, I'm spared of it on a continuous basis. I guess it is a different feeling to be stuck to so many people. No I didn't say that sarcastically. Though I've been a South Bombay-ite most of my life (trust me, I'm not one of those South Bombay-ites who think Bombay stops at Mahalakshmi) I've got friends as far as Bhayander, Nallasopara, Vasai, and I can rattle off the stations one after the other like any of them too. And I've heard of the legendary bonding that happens on trains. My mom used to be part of a train group. They would reserve seats for one another, distribute sweets on special occasions, send me good wishes on examinations, etc. They even go out for picnics together. They are a cult to themselves. Amazing bonding.

But for a person who spends just ten minutes on the train a day, I have no train group to form. And most days, I am either moving to office by road, or I am out of Bombay travelling. So when when the guy behind me comes up close and personal and presses his pistol up my leg, I get psyched. No please, stay away. Give me space. So I give him a pointed jab in the ribs. It works.

Mind using the shampoo a bit?
Guess I have my grandfather to blame this one for. Because I get my six feet plus height from him. I also get the wavy hair from him. Also the dimples (I'm the only one in about fifteen grandchildren to inherit them, so I guess they're kind of special). Also the physical frame. And may be, also the temper. The problem with six feet plus height is that the handholds in trains smack you right on the forehead. But that is okay, one can dodge them. But when the man standing opposite me presses his oily tresses onto my starched shirt leaving curly imprints that stay on until late afternoon, boy I get livid. Those are the oily guys, or the teloos, as they're called in local lingo. Then there are the guys who don't ever wash their head. I know the kind very well because often their heads come just under my nose. I can even tell by the smell how long ago it was since they last washed their hair, let alone shampooed it. Trust me, I've become an expert in these things by now.

Sunday is a day of rest.
So what if I am an investment banker? Actually I am just an year into investment banking - a rookie who's just learning the ropes, not a veteran yet. And I try to ensure that I have at least the semblance of a social life, especially on Sundays. Power suits and presentations and frequent flier miles haven't yet enslaved me so much into corporate culture that I should devote even my Sundays for some dollar dreaming entrepreneur who is busy counting the greenbacks that'll soon hit his bank account. Rest of the week, I really don't mind slogging it out. But try to snatch my Sundays, and I'll bite.

Namedroppers.
Oh, your pen is Mont Blanc? Great taste! The Starwalker series is a personal favorite. Oh, Manzoni suit? Looks cool, they fit real nice. Zodiac shirt and Van Heusen tie matched with Color Plus trousers? You're a sharp dresser, dude. Tissot watch? Snazzy. Silver cuff-links? Yeah nice. Tumi carry bag? Oh I didn't notice. Italian shoes? Oh I thought they were some new series by Bata. No I didn't know your perfume was Davidoff. Swiss chocolates you're munching? They look like those mini chocolates that Dairy Milk comes out with. Armani jeans? I think Pepe would equally look good. Hidesign bag, Gucci shoes, Premuim club memberships, personal vaios, high end cars... investment banking is so full of namedroppers. They take your breath away the first time you see them, then and thereafter, it is just a race to look good. Or to be more precise, a race to look better. And sounding hip about the number of labels you sport. (My friend Satyajit says he thinks a day spent in an investment bank is like watching a fashion parade for corporate dressing. Couldn't agree more.

I didn't ask you for the cost of your car. I'm asking how much fare the meter shows.
The airport cabbies. They'd fleece the life blood out of you if given a chance. There have been very few trips from the airport to home where I haven't had to pick up an arguement with the taxi driver about his faulty meter. Ask me for twenty rupees more, I wouldn't mind giving it. Fleece me, and I scream at you at the top of my lungs. Power suits and sophistication be damned. At the end of the day, it is a dog's world.

Cellphones at theatre halls.
O wretched state! O bosom black as death!
O limed soul that struggling to be free
Art more engaged! Help angels.. <TTTRRRIINGGG!>
Someone's cellphone rings at top volume taking the breath away from Shakespeare's brilliance.

This is not the cinema hall guys, these are real people there mouthing real lines. They get distracted if your phone goes kaanta lagaaaaaa especially when they're trying to potray a grim scene up there. Don't ruin our evenings please, keep your phones OFF when you're in the theatre hall. Mute them at least.

Three thirty in the mornings are for sleep.
You get the best sleep at three thirty in the morning. Imagine the feeling waking up with one eye open a three thirty in the morning and finding that there are three more hours until daybreak to lie curled up in snug sheets enjoying warm rest like a quiet tiger comfortably nestled in the lush greens of some tropical jungle far far away. Ah, heaven! Now imagine your cellphone ringing at full volume because the lawyer in Hong Kong wants to understand the implications of the third sentence in the eighth paragraph on page 49 in the draft prospectus. I need not elaborate any further.

Don't touch my Justice League figurines!
This is a personal one. When the kiddos who visit my room make dangerously admiring glances at my Justice League figurines, I hover around like a hawk to ensure that they're still around after the kids are gone. Which is why my Batman comics stay deep under my bed (its another version of the Bat-Cave in there), the Phantom comics are on the topmost shelf and Calvin & Hobbes stays firmly locked up in the cupboard. I am possessive about my comics. And no I won't share them with you. So what if I'm twice your age?

And probably, half a million things more.
Have I listed them all here yet? I don't think so. There are more - like people who spit on roads (where's your civic sense guys?) and people who jostle up in queues. And cabbies who purposely get lost and raddiwallaas whose scales are perenially out of balance. And people who think they can shout at others just because they belong to a higher station in society. And I-don't-care Government officers and don't-care-how-you-do-it bosses. And unwelcome guests and people who think the world exists for their convenience. And people who want everything as of yesterday and people keep putting things off for tomorrow. And fair weather friends and cousins who never pick the tab.

With so many things that piss me off, God I'm such a cranky fellow!