I guess MS-Excel is a tool that has had many a finance professional scratch his head repeatedly, marvelling at the hitherto complex functions that it now performed at a mere click. VLOOKUP, for one. Or Pivot Tables. Or any of the other tools - ranging from the "oh they're so commonplace now" filters to the more complicated macros that checked and balanced an entire financial model. And I'm sure that many a finance professional would've asked himself that biggest question of all: "Am I making the best use of this amazing tool? Is there anything further that I could do to put this tool to better use?"

Which led me one day to referring to that other stupendous invention: Google.

I was no big whiz-kid those days (neither am I any serious whiz-kid now). Yet, my grandiose wish was to begin mastering this fabulous tool called MS-Excel. And true to being a man on a mission, we make great journeys with simple steps.

Step#1: Perhaps I should start with mastering the keyboard shortcuts. I mean, there is a kind of charm in blitzing your fingers across keys in true 'hacker-style' with an intelligent frown on your face while the rest of the world dragged their mouses, right? So the mission was to master computer shortcuts first. I was going to show some slow pokes how true artists worked.

Step#2: Plan in action! Google opens up with its now-familiar multicoloured logo set against the soothing white background. I quietly make my small-step-for-man-giant-leap-for-mankind. I type: "MSExcel shortcuts".

The machine angrily throws back a message in bold typeset against a flaming red background: "YOU HAVE TRIED TO ACCESS A WEBSITE THAT HAS CONTENT IN VIOLATION OF THE IT POLICY" and a threat that repeated offense would be reported to the appropriate authorities and appropriate action would be taken.

Huh? What the hell was this about? There should be some mistake. May be a search algorithm gone wrong. May be I should be more definite.

"How do I learn MSExcel shortcuts", my new message.

Much to my wonder, the machine reacts with the same angry message. Damn, what kind of policy am I violating here??? I'm prevented from learning MS-Excel???? Impossible, there must be something wrong here.

But two IT warnings in a span of three minutes are scary. I was in the internal audit team after all. And we were supposed to act like Caesar's wife at all times: above all suspicion. Repeated IT offences might not be tolerated. And two warnings in three minutes showed all the signs of an authority-defying repeated offender.

But hey, I was a learner, right? I was doing it to sharpen my skills, right?

On went a third indefatigable attempt. To show my finesse against an unknown and invisible malicious progamme, I determined to show-off my knowledge of Boolean search strings. Lay users didn't use Boolean search, they typed mere words. I was a cut above the rest, after all.

And therefore on went the words to the Google search bar: "MSExcel + shortcuts"

But the system was resolute as ever, steadfastly accusing me of violating the IT policy. There was something wrong here. My initial enthusiasm was considerably diluted. Oh hell, this was my very first job and I hadn't even completed two months in it, and I didn't want to mess with the "establishment". I didn't want to stake my reputation so early in my career. And that too, by accessing websites with questionable content that was in direct violation of the IT policy.

I gave up. May be office hours were not the best times to learn shortcuts. Hell, I was a banker, maybe I was expected to know this stuff beforehand.  I marvelled at the wisdom with which the website-blocking-program was written by the powers-that-be. These IT guys think of everything, after all (my mom's an IT-girl, and I've seen the sheer magnitude of her thoughts while she composed programs - covering every possible scenario, no matter however remote). I got back to my usual work - unflashily dragging my mouse across cells and making the mundane clicks, while I should've been blazing with the keyboard instead.

That day passed by, and the episode was rustled away to a nondescript corner of the mind.

But life is a merry game. It gives you flashes of brilliant insight when you least expect them. It was much long after, on one unremarkable and ordinary evening that the mystery behind the IT policy violation hit me. It had nothing to do with genius, after all.

In all my searches, I had used the words "MSExcel". Now computers are dumb machines, right? The program read the “SEX” in my search-string MSExcel, and decided for itself that I was an IT Policy violator.

And there ends a short tale.

“Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus… and Computers are from Hades.”

Anonymous

“And I try, oh my God do I try

I try all the time, in this institution

And I pray, oh my God do I pray

I pray every single day, for a revolution

And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed

Just to get it all out, what's in my head

And I am feeling a little peculiar

And so I wake in the morning and I step outside

And I take a deep breath and I get real high

And I scream at the top of my lungs

WHAT'S GOING ON?

And I say, hey (hey-hey-hey)

Hey (hey-hey-hey)

I said hey, what's going on?”

- “What's Up?”

4 Non Blondes

(I think this song explains precisely how I felt on the day of the alleged IT Policy violation)